太阳底下没有新鲜事儿

mcsweeneys.net 这个网站，如果母语不是英语的话，真的是很难看懂。当初找到这个网站是因为一篇文章很合我的味道……不过也就是那一篇我能看懂，再看看其他的――就完全不知道在讲的什么，笑点在哪里……是不是字体的原因啊～

这是我看到的第一篇文章：Health Watch: Four Silent Killers， 《健康警示：四种隐形杀手》，然后这四种杀手是哪四种呢？1、一氧化碳；2、B-2 轰炸机；3、Reification；4、忍者。从第二项就开始跑偏了。煎蛋有个评论说的好，最危险的事情就是忍着坐着 B-2 轰炸机穿过一氧化碳去上班。

本来想翻译一下，但是这样就失去原有的风格，这种幽默讽刺类的文还是放在一边别碰吧。

（太长了就用个 read more）

HEALTH WATCH: FOUR SILENT KILLERS.  

BY JUSTIN KAHN

Carbon Monoxide

It is the invisible, odorless chemical responsible for approximately 80,000 cases of poisoning a year. Despite the seriousness of the threat, easy-to-install carbon monoxide detectors can provide peace of mind.

The B-2 Stealth Bomber

Packing 40,000 pounds of bombs and an extensive array of countermeasures, the B-2 should be a concern for the contemporary health nut. Although the major technological advances were developed to sneak past radar systems, the B-2 is equipped with sophisticated control systems that minimize any noise generated by the engine and exhaust systems. Just because you don't hear anything doesn't mean you're safe.

Due to the potential for panic generated by the Stealth bomber, many states have already outlawed standing in public places, pointing (to nothing), and saying, "Look, a Stealth bomber." The fact is, we all have to live with a constant awareness that a B-2 may or may not be somewhere overhead. Causing panic will not help any of us.

If you care about your own welfare, most experts recommend getting your own B-2 bomber.

Reification

Whether you work as a bouncer or a librarian, you probably weren't even aware that you're participating in a process that will bring about your demise. Despite the failure of Marx's predictions, his basic diagnosis of the worker's condition is correct―and claiming as many lives as ever. The early symptoms of reification include a sense of fatigue, digestive problems, and extreme mood swings. The worker who has a career of 50 to 60 years will find the disease to be almost certainly fatal.

Specialists recommend group therapy known as Revolution. Alternatively, shouting slogans and passing out leaflets are reported to slow some of the symptoms, but have not to date cured the disease.

Ninjas

Tragically, the deadliest silent killer in America is one you can do precious little about. The ninja is trained from childhood, after the elders have determined the potential candidate possesses outstanding physical gifts.

Testing for sufficient physical rigor involves trials such as the nonstop 50-mile run. In order to keep a sufficient pace, the ninja applicant is to run at a speed sufficient to keep a mat from slipping off his chest.

Once the strongest applicants are selected, usually by the age of 4, they are given 15 years of intense physical, mental, and spiritual training.

Now when we say silent, we mean silent. Training for the ninja involves mastering such skills as walking on twigs without breaking a single one and moving in on an opponent while carrying an armful of bells. Even if you are always looking over your shoulder, which is advised, the mature ninja will be able to catch you off-guard.

What can you do to stay proactive? Experts have three recommendations, each of which is accompanied by the standard ninja-precaution caveat: It probably won't work.

First, hire a decoy. A good decoy will make your daily existence safer by performing activities such as taking the direct route to your workplace while you take a new, secretive route each day. If you are unable to afford a decoy, a mannequin designed to resemble you will do in a pinch, at least for things like "sleeping" in bed while you hide in the closet. But what, exactly, are you saving your money for?

Second, move. The ninjas know where you live. You may buy some time if you move out of town, as in yesterday.

Third, run! It is too late. The decoy resembles you no more. The ninjas have found where you live. Perhaps you could set a place mat on your chest and run so fast that it doesn't move an inch because of your bullet-train-grade velocity. There is a slight possibility that your ninja isn't going to be able to keep up, once you pass the 50-mile point. Good luck with that.

Already on the run? Excellent. Stay healthy.

又看到一篇类似的：A Fun Pumpkin Tutorial，同样是正经的东西写着写着就跑遍了……

A FUN PUMPKIN CARVING TUTORIAL!

BY ANDREW CUSHING

- - - -

Pumpkin carving is a simple, festive way to celebrate the arrival of autumn. And with only a handful of tools, you and your family can easily enjoy the thrill of pumpkin carving right at home. The following tutorial will provide you with step-by-step instructions down the leafy path toward a fun fall experience.

Carving The Pumpkin

What you'll need: Pumpkin; carving tool; newspaper

STEP 1: Lay down a few sheets of newspaper. (Pumpkin carving can get messy, and this protective layer will help make cleanup a lot easier.)

STEP 2: Place your pumpkin in the center of the newspaper.

STEP 3: Use your carving tool to make incisions in the pumpkin based on the design of your choice.

STEP 4: Thick pumpkin skins can be difficult to puncture, so you may need to stab your carving tool firmly into the―

STEP 5: Oh no…

STEP 6: If you've accidentally stabbed yourself in the thigh with your carving tool, try to remain calm.

STEP 7: Tear sheets of newspaper out from underneath you and apply them against the geyser of blood spurting from a potentially vital artery.

STEP 8: Oh, god.

STEP 9: Oh, dear god… so much blood…

Stitching The Wound

What you'll need: Sewing needle; disinfectant; bandage

STEP 1: Rummage around your bathroom cupboard for the items listed above, while holding the now-blood-soaked newspaper firmly against the gaping hole in your leg.

STEP 2: Where are the bandages? For the love of God, where are the bandages?

STEP 3: Sterilize the needle by dousing it with a disinfectant, such as whiskey.

STEP 4: Suture the wound while periodically rinsing it with a disinfectant, such as whiskey.

STEP 5: Awaken from your pain-induced blackout.

STEP 6: Take several hearty swigs directly from the bottle of disinfectant.

STEP 7: Stare at the unrecognizable reflection of yourself in the mirror. Ask it questions like, "Who are you?" or "How did it ever come to this?"

STEP 8: Jesus, the carpet. She'll be home any minute. She's going to kill you.

Cleaning The Carpet

What you'll need: Water; hydrogen peroxide; your T-shirt

STEP 1: Rip your T-shirt from your body like Hulk Hogan while limping back toward the kitchen.

STEP 2: Soak the T-shirt in water. (Use cold water, probably.)

STEP 3: Blot the blood stains from the carpet with your damp T-shirt.

STEP 4: Try dipping a corner of the T-shirt in hydrogen peroxide because you think you read that somewhere once.

STEP 5: When that doesn't work, start scrubbing the stain even though they always say not to do that.

STEP 6: Settle back against a wall with your bloody palms outstretched in a gesture of futility.

STEP 7: Crescendo into maniacal laughter until the front door opens.

Finalizing The Divorce

What you'll need: Wife who never truly understood you

STEP 1: Confront your wife at the door.

STEP 2: Dismiss her objection at the sight of you half-naked and covered in blood.

STEP 3: Ask her why there are no bandages.

STEP 4: What does she mean "what bandages"?

STEP 5: Yes, you're drunk again. Is that really important right now?

STEP 6: Just keep loudly repeating the question about bandages.

STEP 7: Let her call the cops. See if you care.

STEP 8: Storm out to the garage.

Destroying The Infernal Pumpkin That Ruined Your Life

What you'll need: Sledgehammer; the infernal pumpkin that ruined your life

STEP 1: Retrieve the sledgehammer from your garage.

STEP 2: Think about the decisions that entrapped you in the living hell that is your existence.

STEP 3: Think about how she's not who you thought she was, and maybe she never was.

STEP 4: Raise the sledgehammer above your head.

STEP 5: Smash the half-carved pumpkin into oblivion.

STEP 6: It's over.

STEP 7: It's finally over.

STEP 8: Succumb to the sweet release of death (optional).